


The Very Secret Diaries of the Hobbit

by QueenMarmot



Category: hobbit - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-06
Updated: 2013-02-23
Packaged: 2017-11-28 10:02:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/673162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenMarmot/pseuds/QueenMarmot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an homage to Cassie Claire's LOTR Very Secret Diaries. So far I've written Thorin, Bilbo, Kili, Fili and Gandalf. Not sure about the Gandalf one, so please feedback. </p><p>Dwalin and Bofur added! </p><p>Balin now added.</p><p>Probably Ori next - but it might be a little while, cos I need to work on my other fics.</p><p>This is for fun - no obvious smut.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Very Secret Diary of Thorin Oakenshield

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Very Secret Diaries of LOTR](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/17087) by Cassie Claire. 



**Very Secret Diary of Thorin Oakenshield**

**Day One**

Arrived late at Bag End to meet Gandalf’s Burglar. Disappointed to have missed party. Sang manly song instead. Burglar says my singing is majestic. Have decided to bring him on quest. Can’t sleep as Fili and Kili making too much noise in the next room.

**Day Two**

First day of epic quest – hurrah! Am definitely the most majestic Dwarf.

**Day Three**

Balin did his awesome Oakenshield speech – made me sound very majestic. Buglar seemed impressed, but kept asking me to sing for him. Not sure about Buglar. Fili thinks he smells funny.

**Day Four**

Annoyed with Kili and Fili for losing ponies during “hair braiding” session. More annoyed with Gandalf. Pesky wizard buggered off just when we needed him. Ended up tied in a sack by a bunch of stinky trolls. Most un-majestic. Eventually saved by Gandalf. In other news, found shiny new sword. Gandalf says it’s Elvish. Stupid Wizard.

**Day Five**

Attacked by wargs. Kili shot several. Am worried he might be more majestic than me. Gandalf has taken us to meet stupid Elves. Have not forgiven them for wussing out when my home was incinerated by dragon. 

**Update**

Poncy Elvish Lord can read secret Dwarvish moon runes on map. Most embarrassing. Fili says I am still majestic. Gave Fili a cookie.

**Day Six**

Left Rivendell for the Misty Mountain passes. Couldn’t remember the way, so got Balin to lead. Caught in cross fire of stone giant battle. Thought Fili was dead for a moment. Kili cried. Saved Burglar from certain death. Burglar very grateful. Still the most majestic dwarf.

**Day Seven**

****

Accidently fell in to Goblin Town and lost Burglar. Goblin King says Azog the Defiler not dead. Am quite worried. Saved by Pesky wizard again. Need to have word with Gandalf about showing me up.

**Update**

Found Burglar, am most relieved. Reprimanded him for running off on his own. Unfortunately Azog the Defiler is still alive. Ran away and hid in a tree. Realised hiding in a tree was not very majestic, so decided to settle old family score, despite leaving my friends and comrades hanging on to branches for dear life. May have miscalculated, as Azog kicked my butt. Rather touched that Burglar tried to defend my honour. Eventually Fili and Kili joined the fight, not sure what kept them. Saved by Pesky wizard dialling 9-100-eagles.

**Day Eight**

Carried by eagles in most un-majestic manner. Have lost Oakenshield. Tried not to cry. Managed to hide tears by making manly speech to Burglar. Have decided I quite like Buglar. I think Fili might be jealous. Not sure how we get off this rocky outcrop. Stupid eagles.


	2. The Very Secret Diary of Bilbo Baggins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an homage to Cassie Claire's LOTR Very Secret Diaries.

**The Very Secret Diary of Bilbo Baggins**

**Day One**

Home over-run by Dwarves. Gandalf says we’re going on a quest. Hate Gandalf. Quite enjoyed manly Dwarf singing, though, so might go anyway. Hope Fili and Kili are quieter when we’re on the road, otherwise no-one will get any sleep.

**Day Two**

House is surprisingly clean despite Dwarf invasion, but slightly concerned that weed stash is missing. Have decided to go on quest. Looking forward to more manly Dwarf singing.

**Update**

Am touched that Bofur gave me a piece of his clothing to wipe my nose on. Would have preferred it to have been washed first tho’. Kili says he wants to teach me how to ride. For some reason other Dwarves find this funny. Except Fili. Am not sure I like Fili.

**Day Three**

Fili and Kili tried to scare me but Thorin told them off. Felt warm and fuzzy inside. Disappointed at lack of manly Dwarf singing, am wondering if quest such a good idea after all.

**Day Four**

Caught Fili and Kili braiding each other’s hair while they were supposed to be watching the ponies. Ended up getting captured by trolls. Was impressed when Kili took them on single handed. Think Kili might be more majestic than Thorin. Eventually saved by Gandalf. Still no manly Dwarf singing, but did get shiny new sword.

**Day Five**

Met new wizard, have decided Gandalf not actually that weird after all. Attacked by wargs. Kili shot several. Kili is definitely more majestic than Thorin. Gandalf took us to Rivendell to meet the Elves. Elvish songs not as manly as Dwarf ones. Had seconds at dinner time. Fili said I didn’t need any more cos I’m already fat. Hate Fili.

**Day Six**

Got lost in the Misty Mountains. Thorin refused to stop for directions. Fili almost killed by stone giants, but unfortunately survived unscathed. Rescued by Thorin after I slipped on the ledge, then got shouted at. Have decided Thorin is most majestic Dwarf, but lack of manly singing is real downer. Going back to Rivendell once everyone is asleep.

**Update**

Tried to sneak out but caught by Bofur who was very nice about it. Really quite like Bofur. Just wish he didn’t insist on wearing that stupid hat.

**Day Seven**

Fell down a hole into Goblin town. Tried to sneak away but ended up playing riddle game with creepy nut job that looks disturbingly like one of the Sackville Baggins. Managed to escape and have picked up magic gold ring. It will be an heirloom of my line.

**Update**

Caught up with Gandalf and the Dwarves and heard Thorin saying most unkind things about me. He looked really sheepish when I jumped out from behind a tree. Then got attacked by wargs again. Tried to impress Thorin by defending his injured ass, but almost got killed. Probably should’ve worn magic ring, but then Thorin wouldn’t have seen my bad ass moves.

**Day Eight**

Rescued again by Gandalf. Must get myself one of those eagle pagers. Thorin gave me a hug, but his swords kept sticking in to me. At least he’s got rid of that manky old oak branch. Got a nice view of the Lonely Mountain, but rather disappointed that the eagles wouldn’t carry us that far. Have given up on manly Dwarf songs.


	3. The Very Secret Diary of Kili, Son of Dis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an homage to Cassie Claire's LOTR Very Secret Diaries

**The Very Secret Diary of Kili Son of Dis**

**Day One**

Awesome party at Buglar’s house, then Uncle Thorin turned up. Seems we are going on a quest. Am hoping for lots of opportunities to prove to Uncle Thorin how majestic I am.

**Update**

About to go to bed, then Fili said he wanted to show me something. I hope it’s something majestic.

**Day Two**

Have terrible hang-over and can’t remember much from last night. Also overwhelming desire to braid Fili’s hair. Am pleased to see Burglar has come on quest, but he needs riding lessons. Fili doesn’t like Burglar much, not sure why – maybe something happened last night.

**Day Three**

Fili thought it would be fun to tell the Burglar scary stories, but Uncle Thorin told us off. I think Uncle Thorin looks even more majestic when he is cross. Mental note to make Uncle Thorin cross more often. Balin told us a cool story about how Uncle Thorin got his Oakenshield. Found my own Oakenshield, but Fili says it’s more of a twig. Stupid Fili.

**Day Four**

Bad day. Lost ponies we were supposed to be watching as decided to braid Fili’s hair instead. Got put in a sack and almost eaten by some trolls. Was annoyed with Fili for doing a runner when I tried to save the Burglar, but then realised he had gone to get Uncle Thorin. Burglar seemed very grateful for my efforts, but keeps trying to get me to sing silly songs. Uncle Thorin found a shiny new sword. Fili says it’s bigger than mine. Hate Fili.

**Day Five**

Best day ever! Attacked by wargs and killed lots. In your face Fili! Bow and arrow not so poncy after all. Am feeling particularly majestic, but not sure if Uncle Thorin noticed. In other news, some Elf read some runes on a map and everyone got all excited.

**Update**

Burglar says I am more majestic than Uncle Thorin. Have decided to try and learn Burglar’s actual name. Fili in a huff, probably cos I’m more majestic than he is.

**Day Six**

Went for a walk in the Misty Mountains. Not sure why Balin is leading, maybe Uncle Thorin was a bit tired, he is getting on a bit. Thought Fili killed by stone giants and got upset. Realised Fili ok, then had make-up hair braiding session. Fili says I’m more majestic than Uncle Thorin. Gave Fili a hug. Burglar went off in a huff.

**Day Seven**

Fell into Goblin Town and had to fight our way out. Gandalf came to save us. Gandalf actually quite majestic.

**Update**

Burglar was apparently missing, didn’t notice as too busy braiding Fili’s hair. Also, got attacked by Azog the Defiler. Uncle Thorin said he was dead, am not sure whether Uncle Thorin can be trusted anymore. Fili said we had to save him, otherwise he’d think the Burglar is more majestic than we are. Eventually agreed, but was most relieved when eagles turned up.

**Day Eight**

Has awesome time riding on eagles, but annoyed that Fili called shot gun. Think Gandalf must’ve upset the eagles as they dropped us off in a really inconvenient location. Thought it was quite sweet when Uncle Thorin hugged Burglar for trying to save him, but not sure why me and Fili didn’t get a hug too. Am worried that Uncle Thorin likes Burglar more than me. Fili says he’s going to drop kick the Burglar off the mountain next chance he gets.


	4. The Very Secret Diary of Fili, Son of Dis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an homage to Cassie Claire's LOTR Very Secret Diaries

**The Very Secret Diary of Fili Son of Dis**

**Day One**

Had to go to lame pre-quest party at smelly Buglar’s house. Uncle Thorin made everyone sing silly Dwarf songs. Tried hard to be majestic, but gave up ‘cos no-one looking.

**Update**

Have found massive stash of Hobbit weed, hurrah! Am off to get Kili so we can smoke it together.

**Day Two**

Feel terrible, entire stash of weed is gone. Only have vague memories of last night, but finding it difficult to look Kili in the eye. Am worried that Burglar knows it was me that took the weed. 

**Day Three**

Tried to scare Burglar, but Uncle Thorin spoilt all the fun. Kili found a twig, told Kili twig too small to be an Oakenshield. Stupid Kili.

**Day Four**

Had make-up hair braiding session with Kili, then lost ponies. Stupid Burglar almost got us eaten by trolls. Kili tried to take them on himself. Am worried Kili is trying to impress Burglar. Uncle Thorin found a shiny new sword. It’s much bigger than Kili’s.

**Day Five**

Got attacked by wargs, Kili shot lots of them. Am convinced he is trying to impress Burglar. Ended up in Rivendell, Uncle Thorin not very happy as he hates Elves. Told Uncle Thorin he is majestic and he gave me a cookie. Told Burglar he was fat. Ate cookie.

**Day Six**

Cousin Balin took us to the Misty Mountains. Uncle Thorin seemed ok with this, but not sure now who is in charge. Got attacked by stone giants and almost died. Kili cried. Burglar almost fell off cliff but Uncle Thorin saved him. Stupid Uncle Thorin. Had another make-up hair braiding session with Kili. Have decided Kili more majestic than Uncle Thorin.

**Day Seven**

Apparently the cave we were sleeping in was a secret entrance to Goblin Town. Also, Azog the Defiler is apparently not dead. And we had to be rescued by Gandalf. Think Uncle Thorin might be losing it. On a more positive note, Burglar seems to have gone missing. Hurrah!

**Update**

Burglar has turned up. Booo! Also, Azog the Defiler definitely not dead. Double booo! We all hid in a tree until stupid Uncle Thorin decided to try and settle old family score. Then stupid Burglar tried to save him. Told Kili we’d better help or we’ll never hear the end of how the Burglar is more majestic than we are. Luckily eagles turned up.

 

**Day Eight**

Has awesome time riding on eagles, but Kili got all grumpy ‘cos I was in front. Reminded Kili that I’m next in line to the throne, so have eagle-riding privileges. Got dropped off by eagles on most inconvenient ledge, but did get my first view of The Lonely Mountain. Stupid Uncle Thorin gave Burglar a hug for trying to save him. Hate Burglar. Am going to drop kick him off the mountain next chance I get.


	5. The Very Secret Diary of Gandalf The Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an homage to Cassie Claire's LOTR Very Secret Diary

**The Very Secret Diary of Gandalf The Grey**

**Day One**

Thorin wants a Burglar for quest to reclaim lost Dwarf Kingdom. Heard Belladonna Took’s boy Bilbo had the biggest Hobbit weed stash this side of Bree. Unfortunately Bilbo has grown up into a pompous little twat, but don’t have time to find a replacement. His weed better be good.

**Update**

Party went well, but had to put up with Dwarf singing. Bilbo thinks it’s majestic. Stupid Hobbit. Have yet to discover weed stash. Think Fili might know something. 

**Day Two**

Burglar late and without weed. This is going to be a long quest.

**Day Three**

Dwarves keep telling each other boring stories. At least they’re not singing.

**Day Four**

Am fed up with Dwarves. Decided to go and try and find some more weed. Came back just in time to save Dwarves from being eaten by trolls. Found shiny new swords. Gave Thorin one – then watched his face when I told him it was Elvish.

**Day Five**

Radagast The Brown turned up with a Morgul blade he found whilst on some weird mushroom trip. Then got attacked by wargs. Kili shot lots. Think Kili might be more majestic than Thorin. Took Dwarves to Rivendell. Thorin not happy. Lord Elrond read secret Dwarvish moon runes on Thorin’s map. Ha! In your face Dwarf King

**Day Six**

Got called before White council. Saruman not convinced by Morgul blade, but hot Elf Queen thinks I’m majestic. Dwarves have done a runner into the Misty Mountains.

**Day Seven**

Stupid Dwarves captured by Goblins. Had to rescue them again. Seem to have lost Burglar. Quest not going well at all.

**Update**

Burglar alive, and gave nice speech about helping Dwarves find their lost home. Thankfully got attacked by Azog the Defiler before anyone could start singing. But distinctly remember Thorin saying he killed Azog. Dodgy Dwarf King then ran off to hide in a tree. Not very majestic. Used magic fire powers to try and scare off wargs, but then stupid Thorin tried to make last stand. Ended up calling eagles.

**Day Eight**

Only had enough change to get eagles to take us to rather precipitous rocky ledge. Stupid dwarves complained it wasn’t far enough. Not sure what Thorin-Bilbo hug fest was about, hope they don’t go all weird and start asking to be referred to as ‘Thilbo’. Am planning on ditching the lot of them first chance I get.


	6. The Very Secret Diary of Dwalin, Son of Fundin

**The very Secret Diary of Dwalin, Son of Fundin**  
 **Day One**  
Pre-quest bonding session at Burglar’s house was success, although slightly embarrassed to be first to arrive. On a positive not, this did mean I had the cookies to myself. Mostly. Then Thorin turned up and lead us in a rounding chorus of manly songs that brought a tear to my eye. It’s hard when your BFF is so majestic.

 **Update**  
Not sure if it’s the 20 pints of hobbit ale I drank tonight, but have decided that Ori is actually quite sweet. Just wish Fili and Kili would shut up and go to sleep. Stupid Princes.

 **Day Two**  
Lost bet, as Burglar decided to come on quest after all. Stupid Burglar. Luckily I still have his cookies in my sack.

 **Day Three**  
Balin did his Battle of Azanulbizar speech. My hair was so majestic back then. Decided to share cookies with Ori. Didn’t like the look Dori gave me. Stupid over-protective brother.

 **Day Four**  
Terrible day. Stupid Princes and stupid Burglar got us caught by stupid trolls. Can’t believe Thorin made us surrender. Am quite worried Burglar is trying to replace me as Thorin’s BFF.

 **Day Five**  
Attacked by Orcs and Wargs – this is more like it! Taste my Dwarvish steel, scumbags!

 **Update**  
Stupid Wizard has taken us to see stupid Elves. Thorin said “We use the toilets and then we leave.” Lying git - we’re still here and stupid Elves are stupid vegetarians. How will poor Ori grow up big and strong without some proper meat inside him? Plus Thorin stole a cookie and gave it to Fili. Hate Fili.

 **Day Six**  
Trekking through the Misty Mountains and got caught up in stone giant’s thunder battle and almost died. Kili cried, stupid wuss. Thorin got confused and thought Kili was crushed instead of Fili. No-one seemed bothered about whether I was alright. Then stupid Burglar fell and Thorin saved him. Then stupid Thorin needed me to save his stupid ass. At least Ori thinks I’m majestic. Gave Ori a cookie – but need to be careful – stocks are running low.

 **Day Seven**  
Stupid cave was secret entrance to Goblin Town – however, this did result in more opportunities to majestically kick butt. Luckily stupid Burglar has gone missing. Sadly Kili and Fili have not.

 **Update**  
Managed to escape Goblins, but was surprised to learn that Azog the Defiler is not in fact dead. Hid in trees and then got quite upset as Ori nearly died. Stupid Thorin tried to take on Azog himself. Worse still, stupid Burglar actually saved Thorin’s life. Managed to climb out of burning tree and join fight, then saved by eagles.

 **Day Eight**  
Slightly annoyed that eagles wouldn’t take us all the way to The Lonely Mountain. Luckily Thorin is not dead, but quite sad he has lost his Oakenshield. Burglar got hug for saving Thorin’s life. Nobody hugged Dwalin. Have given up on BFF status, and now there are no cookies left. I think I’m going to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole "we use the toilets and then we leave" thing was actually Graham McTavish's answer to a tweet asking him what Thorin said to Dwalin in Rivendell.


	7. The Very Secret Diary of Bofur the Dwarf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bofur is a potty mouth!
> 
> UPDATE: This chapter contains a LOT of foul language. If you are offended by the f-word, then I would advise you to skip this one.

**The Very Secret Diary of Bofur the Dwaf**  
 **Day One**  
Pre-quest party was lots of fun. Burglar seemed quite nice – also Gandalf mentioned something about him having the biggest weed stash this side of Bree. Did feel a bit bad about making him faint, as Burglar is actually quite a sweet-heart. Will have to be more gentle with him in future.

 **Update**  
Unnatural sounds coming from Fili and Kili’s bedroom, but Mister Dwalin says they are always like this. Must be some royal thing.

 **Day Two**  
First day of epic quest – hurrah! Am very glad Burglar has decided to join us, but have yet to see any evidence of his weed stash.

 **Update**  
Burglar forgot his handkerchief, so I gave him a piece of my clothing. Then he complained it wasn’t clean. Cried into my pipe. Then Bombur gave me a cookie. Ate cookie to dull the pain in my soul.

 **Day Three**  
Did not like the sound of Fili and Kili’s scary orc story. Am slightly worried that quest may not have been such a good idea after all.

 **Day Four**  
Had hoped that quest might help with Bombur’s diet plan. I keep telling him, a bowl of rabbit stew is 500 points, but he persists in trying to snaffle seconds.

 **Update**  
Captured by mountain trolls and nearly roasted alive. Nice. Luckily saved by wizard. Still no sign of Hobbit weed, and Bombur is all out of cookies.

 **Day Five**  
Attacked by wargs and orcs. Kili and Fili said it was majestic. I said it was fucking terrifying. Ended up in Rivendell. Bombur broke a table and we totally ruined the plumbing. I don’t think we’ll get invited back.

 **Update**  
Caught Fili eating a cookie, but he refused to share. Hate Fili.

 **Day Six**  
Who wants to kill me today? That would be the stone giants of the Misty Mountains. Oh yes, the legends are true, and once again I NEARLY FUCKING DIED!

 **Update**  
Thorin put me on first watch, bastard. I’m so going to charge him for all the fucking therapy I am going to need after this quest is over.

 **Update**  
Caught Burglar trying to sneak away and made a heartfelt attempt to convince him to stay. Then fell into large cavern and captured by Goblins – this quest just gets better and better.

 **Day Seven**  
Managed to fight our way out of Goblin Town, thanks to wizard. But now see that Azog The Motherfucking Defiler is NOT DEAD. Yay! Someone else is trying to kill us. Climbed trees to escape wargs and orcs, only to yet again face certain death as trees are set on fire and knocked down into a fucking chasm. Then crazy fucking King left us all hanging there to go and settle old family score, closely followed by equally crazy Burglar, Dwalin, Fili and Kili. Does everyone on this fucking quest have a fucking death wish!!??

 **Day Eight**  
Saved by eagles – thank Aulë. Then crazy King hugged crazy Burglar – yes, yes, very sweet. But how the fuck do we get down from this fucking precipice?


	8. The Very Secret Diary of Balin, Son of Fundin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: there is some bad language in this chapter - but much less, and not as extreme as in the Bofur one.

**The Very Secret Diary of Balin, Son of Fundin**  
 **Day One**  
Tried to talk Thorin out of quest – “It’ll be majestic” he says. Yeah, right – weeks and weeks on the road, facing countless dangers, in all weathers, only to go up against a dragon that has already wiped out a significant proportion of our race. Very majestic.

 **Update**  
Kept awake all night by Kili and Fili. I don’t know where they get the energy, little bastards.

 **Day Two**  
Am not entirely surprised Burglar has decided to come on quest – he was altogether far too keen on manly dwarf singing last night. Kili seems to have taken a shine to him. Hope he’s not turning into a pervy-Hobbit-fancier. Not as much as Fili hopes, ha ha ha!

 **Day Three**  
Way to go Kili and Fili triggering Thorin’s PTSD with your scary orc stories. Still, I got to do my Battle of Azanulbizar speech – now that’s what I call majestic!

 **Update**  
Heard Kili and Fili arguing over a twig supposed to be an Oakenshield. Good to know the royal succession is in safe hands.

 **Day Four**  
Currently tied up in a sack, about to be eaten by trolls, ‘cos Thorin didn’t want them to kill the Burglar. Fili says Kili tried to save the Burglar single-handed. Very majestic. Pity we’re all going to die.  
 **Update**  
Saved by wizard, but now deeply concerned that quest is turning in to a pervy-Hobbit-fancier love-in. In other news, Thorin has picked up a manky Elf-sword, and Kili and Fili aren’t talking to each other.

 **Day Five**  
Met new wizard – even more bonkers than Gandalf. Then got attacked by orcs and wargs – new wizard not very good at “drawing them off.” Kili actually managed to kill a few orcs – maybe he’s not such an idiot after all. Then Gandalf took us to Rivendell. Great idea! Like our enemies will offer us food and shelter.

 **Update**  
So, our enemies offered us food and shelter. Gandalf wants Thorin to show poncy Elf-Lord the secret dwarvish map. Like that’s going to happen.

 **Update**  
So, Thorin showed poncy Elf-Lord the secret map. Worse still, poncy Elf-Lord could actually read the map. Went back to find the others fighting over cookies. Stole cookie when no-one was looking. Ate cookie, then went to bed. I’m too old for this shit.

 **Day Six**  
Thorin got lost in the Misty Mountains, then asked me to lead the way. Suspect he is still upset about whole poncy Elf-Lord debacle.

 **Update**  
Got caught up in a stone giant thunder battle and nearly died, again. Kili cried like a baby. Still, at least Fili and Kili have made-up. I hate it when they mope around like a couple of emos. Thorin saved the Burglar again, then went all aloof and cold. Yeah – you keep telling yourself that Thorin, whatever you want.

 **Day Seven**  
Fell into Goblin town and got seriously messed up, although Fili’s braids are actually looking really good now. Goblin King reckons that Azog The Defiler is still alive. This could be bad.

 **Update**  
Rescued by wizard – hooray! Thought we had lost Burglar – boo! Found Burglar – hooray! Attacked by Azog and a bunch of orcs and wargs – boo! Thorin went all majestic and faced down the pale orc – hooray! Azog kicked his butt – boo! Burglar saved Thorin – hooray! Rescued by eagles – bo... I mean hooray!

 **Day Eight**  
Eagle flight was fun, but not sure why they’ve left us on a precipitous ledge where we could easily slip and fall to our untimely deaths. In other news, Thorin hugged Bilbo. They’re just friends. Really.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole "triggering Uncle Thorin's PTSD" was actually an annotated gif on tumblr. I'm sorry I can't remember who made it - but if you message me, I'll credit you properly!


End file.
